I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
