I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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