I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
