My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
