Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
