My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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