I'm eating all of the evidence.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
