Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
