You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
