i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love you. Go after that dick
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
