i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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