come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize