And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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