I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
