I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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