If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
