Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
