She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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