shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
