this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize