Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
