i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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