Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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