I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
