So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize