all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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