apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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