i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
