Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize