it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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