Sponge bath it is.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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