I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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