I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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