I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize