Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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