I cannot find my penis.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
