this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
