I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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