i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
