I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
