I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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