I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
