Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
