I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
