he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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