Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
