does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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