He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
