i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize