if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
