There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
