When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
