one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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