The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I deserve this hangover.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
