I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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