i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
