is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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