The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize