I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
