what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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