and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize