I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
