i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
