Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize