She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
