Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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