I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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