My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
